Sunday, October 2, 2016

The one where mom's a heathen.

As husband and wife, they joke together about several things. One thing that gets joked about consistently is buying food on a Sunday. Being a good Christian household, they strive to keep the sabbath holy and focused on Christ. Being parents of seven, they strive to keep their heads on their necks.

Usually after a long day of trying to keep a rag tag group of boys somewhat focused on the sabbath they lock themselves in their room with a movie to drown out the chaos of outside. Each will tease that they are going to go pick up food. Usually when one says it, the other rolls their eyes and reminds them it's Sunday. They had, on occasion, stayed up till it was 12:01 and run to taco bell for a scandalous midnight snack.

But this was the day that mom had enough. After chasing a dog out of their yard, getting rid of a dead chicken, rebuilding a pen, and chasing the chickens back into their enclosure.....both parents go into the house to find that the large Sam's Club size chocolate chips have been spattered about the kitchen, a full bottle of syrup had been dumped on top of that, 3 blankets were also muddled into the sticky mess, and crumbs dotted the entire household.

Seething from head to toes the mother looks at the father......"I'm getting three bags of burgers from Braum's" The husbands eyes become wide with shock. He knew she was serious. Oh, blasphemy never looked so hot. Not only was she willing to go get it, it was SUNDAY, and she wasn't taking no for an answer. "I'm serious, I'm going now. I'm not cooking dinner."

The husband wiggles his eyebrows, "Growl, talk dirty to me." Food coming to him without a kitchen mess is a dream come true. Junk food, on a Sunday....that's the impossible dream. The Mother gets in the large 12 passenger van, rear window still broken out and covered in painters plastic.

She pulls up to Brums, but can't help look over her shoulder to see if anyone from church is around. Silly, if someone from church is at Braums they would be hiding from her. The voice comes over the intercom asking for her order, "tell the grill guy I'm apologizing in advance." She orders three bags of burgers, at $4.74 each for a bag of 5 burgers that feeds the whole family under $20, even if you add in a large fry. What the heck, she's already going to hell, might as well go in a farrari, "Add a large chocolate shake too."

"Ok....15 burgers, a large fry, and a large chocolate shake? that'll be $22.20 at the first window." Surly the cashier was thinking these were for a birthday party. Brahms had only been their a few months....bags of burgers are so cheep, they'll figure it out after the 30th time. She pulls up to the window, "$22.20.....and you will have to pull forward, sorry, it's going to take a bit." She laughs...of course it will, she just ordered 15 burgers, they probably can't even fit more than 6 on the grill at a time.

After waiting a bit, a young woman comes out the door with a large brown paper bag holding 15 burgers, a large fry, and a giant chocolate shake in her other hand. Mother thanks her and drives home. She walks in the door unapologeticly, "DINNER!"

Vultures, they don't have children, they have vultures. It wasn't even worth it to clean off the table, she sits on her bed and turns on their newest acquired super hero movie. Mobs of boys sit down and the sweet crinkle of burger paper is heard around the room. Even after several of them had seconds, there are still questions every now and then of, "Can I have another burger?" "Is there any more?"

Mother looks around at the chaos, if anyone saw them today they would think they were hoarders. That poor house, if walls could talk, it would be crying. The rest of the night until 11:45 is spent putting children back in their beds, swatting bums, and parents locking themselves into their rooms.

Blaspheme.....she hopes her kids don't remember what day it is. The burgers were nothing but bun, patty, ketchup, and 2 pickle slices. They tasted way better than they should have. She vowed to herself that someday she would figure out this parenting thing. Someday she would be that chocolate shake....AMAZING.

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